This morning I am thinking about cooking and being grateful to have enough food.  I am thinking that my writing streak --one that I was expressing elsewhere, yes I am a traitor!,  has dried up, taken a vacation--wow punctuation!

I realize that my expression of late correlates to my feeling of angst.  So many from outside taking liberties with effecting what they consider conformity--or glad acceptance of their help--makes them feel alive and useful I expect.  All of this has caused or created a depression for me.  I am apologizing all over the place again.  I am worrying about what others think--as the threats or implied threats that came with the conformity 'help' meant that somehow we are broken and that I do not know best about myself. HA!

The inside still strong bits of me inside sitting patiently though less and less tolerantly and becoming snarky little beasts now.  I am snapping at many and busy finding faults.  Finding faults is contagious, perhaps the government might create a vaccine or no WAIT! PROVIDE PSYCHOTROPIC MEDICATIONS FOR!  All nice quiet and numb and stupid then.

(wow i have a lot to express!)  Wait I'll get you a visual aide!


Taaaaa daaaaaaaaaa! Visual Aide!  See how frustratingly quiet and silent it is?  I guess that is what it is really like when one stuffs or acts like one is well I dunno what....It seems awfully strange to me of late that when I move forward with my day, I stop to think wow I used to call this coping, but it seems an awful lot like stuffing my head in the sand and pretending.  Addictive behavior says keep it together act like it's all fine, so does coping.  A friend pointed out to me that since I have been blessed with so many wonderful sober days, that the distinction of the kinds of 'coping' activities that I choose are so vastly different.  Drinking is hiding and destructive and I gain nothing from it--well perhaps a reminder that I ought not do that activity as it does not help and only makes matters worse.  Writing or working on stones for jewelry is supposedly NOT hiding.  It creates a nice thing at the end, an expression of who and what I am in a moment--even if that thing is an image of me hiding until I feel like doing otherwise.  Part of me can agree with her, it seems logical.  (I think she was afraid that I might drink and was trying to wake me up.)

That said, how does one know the difference between expressing, choosing and enjoying, and hiding and denying what is going on in the world around you?  I may have been watching, looking at and  reading too many things of 'new age-rs' of late.  I have found a very very strong correlation between what they serve up on a platter that is now being touted as healthy behavior and what is labeled as schizophrenia.  It is startlingly alarming. 

See!? I have now been creative however disorganized and fragmented it appears, it is all prefectly clear in my head...i think, though I am overloaded and would be very grateful if someone came along and trundled me into the shower and did it for me so that I could just stand there.  Dressed me, fed me, cleaned up after me...and then duct taped me to my willow tree for several hours and then came to fetch me. 

Happy Overloaded and Stuck Day!
me!

pst..for those who know me, did i mention that i had a very large quantity of corn and then since i had the corn i thought i may as well have several cookies(let's not ask me how many) and i have pms too