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November 2009 
Dear God
Posted on Aug 17th, 2008
by 
elisa
elisa
Dear God,
I have always wanted to know what it would be like to feel love. I have always thought that I did not get it, not once in my entire life. No one said they loved me. No one gave me hugs nor kisses. People touched me in numerous unnameable hurtful ways. And still I knew there was something else. Just as I knew the image of God these people 'gave' to me was untrue. I kept aging.
I watched teen mothers neglect and harm their tiny babes. I took those children home and hid them in my room and fed them and loved them, that they might KNOW for just a moment to carry that spark always.
I did not know because of what happened to me, that what men were doing was not ok even if it came in a kinder looking package, so it felt more like love, but it was not. And I knew that then. I tried to make it true for a while because all around me seemed to think it was.
I met people that smiled and nodded at me and hugged me, empty hugs. They said they loved me too. I knew they did not. All of this time I asked God that I might know what it felt like to be loved. I turned away from those shell people. I felt no reality, no exchange with them.
My children came, as children can do. One child never let me touch her much at all. It was awful for her for me to do so. It is hard for me to express love without touch. I didn't feel love then, but I did it anyway. My son came, he touched too much. He's better with that now. He says and expresses affection all of the time. It's very nice.
I meet people online and on Gaia. Some of them use love words but I feel nothing from them, others I do. The experience is very nice. And still I ask God, Please God can I please know what it is like to have someone love me.
I realized tonight that I have been given what I ask for. Each person is and gives what they can at the time. Abuse for some is love. They will tell you so. I could go through all of my examples and I would have to say that each more than likely would be insulted and insist to me that they love me. I need to ask God a better question. I want someone to care about what I need, what I dream about, and how I feel. I need them to love me not for them, but for me. In a way that I can feel it see it touch it. I deserve that. And if for some reason this is not possible, don't send me anymore love unless it comes from You. Being loved in this place has been really unfun. Peace and sanctuary alone would be a better choice, if I only had the two. So, thank you God for doing as I asked. I am sorry I was rude and slow to learn. Please help me to better meet my own needs.
Love elisa
I have always wanted to know what it would be like to feel love. I have always thought that I did not get it, not once in my entire life. No one said they loved me. No one gave me hugs nor kisses. People touched me in numerous unnameable hurtful ways. And still I knew there was something else. Just as I knew the image of God these people 'gave' to me was untrue. I kept aging.
I watched teen mothers neglect and harm their tiny babes. I took those children home and hid them in my room and fed them and loved them, that they might KNOW for just a moment to carry that spark always.
I did not know because of what happened to me, that what men were doing was not ok even if it came in a kinder looking package, so it felt more like love, but it was not. And I knew that then. I tried to make it true for a while because all around me seemed to think it was.
I met people that smiled and nodded at me and hugged me, empty hugs. They said they loved me too. I knew they did not. All of this time I asked God that I might know what it felt like to be loved. I turned away from those shell people. I felt no reality, no exchange with them.
My children came, as children can do. One child never let me touch her much at all. It was awful for her for me to do so. It is hard for me to express love without touch. I didn't feel love then, but I did it anyway. My son came, he touched too much. He's better with that now. He says and expresses affection all of the time. It's very nice.
I meet people online and on Gaia. Some of them use love words but I feel nothing from them, others I do. The experience is very nice. And still I ask God, Please God can I please know what it is like to have someone love me.
I realized tonight that I have been given what I ask for. Each person is and gives what they can at the time. Abuse for some is love. They will tell you so. I could go through all of my examples and I would have to say that each more than likely would be insulted and insist to me that they love me. I need to ask God a better question. I want someone to care about what I need, what I dream about, and how I feel. I need them to love me not for them, but for me. In a way that I can feel it see it touch it. I deserve that. And if for some reason this is not possible, don't send me anymore love unless it comes from You. Being loved in this place has been really unfun. Peace and sanctuary alone would be a better choice, if I only had the two. So, thank you God for doing as I asked. I am sorry I was rude and slow to learn. Please help me to better meet my own needs.
Love elisa
Access: Public
Oh. Elisa. Oh, my dear….
I am crying for you right now, for the pain that you have felt, for what has happened and…so much.
A prayer: that you might know someone who loves you, who can see the preciousness that is Elisa. I hope God answers you in a voice that you can clearly hear and know. Love, Kathy
Dear Elisa,
So many of us don't know what it is that we want (like me). Others know what they want, but are afraid to ask for it. Still others ask for what they want, but are unwilling to wait and work for the real thing and instead accept cheap imitations. You are none of these. You know what you want, have asked for it, are humble enough to be willing to take responsibility for finding it for yourself and not be satisfied until you have what you seek.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I know God will give you true love in this lifetime. But I think that given the above, you have a very good chance!
Lifting you on wings of angels,
~ : ~
Julie
Elisa,
“I need to ask God a better question.” Yes, I think that is true. I can't tell you what the question is but I can tell you, there is only ONE love. Love is not what someone else does for you or is willing to give to you or give up for you. Love is a state of Being. If your state of Being is Love, you will see it reflected back at you in a million ways. I believe that Love is there in your life, yet you don't believe it. Since you don't believe it, it isn't there for you.
Now, I'm not going to tell you life is fair because it isn't. Never were you promised that. You are here to experience Life and having Life, to see all its facets. I am going to tell you that even those whose lives appear perfect to you, from the outside looking in, are not as you may imagine them. After reading your blog, I reflected on the love in my life. Really, the only unconditional Love in my life is from myself, for myself, is from my Creator for me as its creation.
Now, others may tell me they love me - what they really mean is that they appreciate what I do for them, they appreciate if I am patient with them, they appreciate if I have compassion for their needs, they appreciate if I show them any attention or interest in what is happening to them. I do this freely because it is my nature to do so. It makes me feel good to be useful to Life. At times, that means being useful to others.
Love radiates from me as these acts but I do not look for Love to be given to me or to come to me from anywhere outside of myself because I am not going to find it there. Life has given me that lesson too many times, in too many ways, to doubt that this is the truth. I can not “get” Love but I can BE love, whenever I'm willing. If I look to someone else to “give” me Love, I am always going to be disappointed, it is always going to betray me whether that betrayal is minor or major. What any other calls “love” for me, will always be conditional.
Here is what Love is, it is action. There is a need and Spirit answers it, using the closest energy available that is willing to be used. You take in a little baby and provide it with what it needs in that moment. You are in that moment, the Spirit of Love, acting through the form of Elisa. There is no reward for this. Yet, if you are ever willing even one time (and there is no doubt that you are and have been) to be used to provide Love where it is needed, then when you REALLY need compassion, assistance, good luck, a kind word, a loving thought - Spirit will send that to you. It knows what you need, how much you need and when you need it and it is ever giving of Itself. It is not physical, it is an energy form that can be sensed by a physical person. What you give, is what you get.
Now, instead of doubting Love - look here in the comments of this blog. It matters not the response, someone followed the prompting of Spirit to take action, to write words to provide relief, acknowledgment, compassion, and yes, Love, real Love - if you “feel” nothing, then the problem is within yourself. The problem never is Love. Love is always ready, willing and able to give. You must be ready, willing and able to receive. And perhaps, that is the point of your letter. You are telling Source, Spirit, God, whatever you wish to call the All That Is - I AM ready, I AM willing and I AM able to be on the receiving end of that energetic response.
Yet, it is mostly you who must give it to yourself, and to others, expecting nothing in return and when you least expect it and are not looking for it - there it is. Then, it is you who must be willing to receive.
Love is there always, awaiting your recognition of its presence. You must have the eyes and heart to see and believe.
Wishing you the awareness that Love is everywhere present in your Life and the peace of knowing the questions of your mind and longing of your heart have been answered fully as your life continues to unfold. Don't lose heart, Love is just around the corner from you NOW.
Deborah
I wrote this blog because I felt it was a point of weakness that I let take me out. If I say it out loud to other people what is the worst thing that can happen kind of deal. I am still ashamed of myself for being the person that I am to cause how I was treated. I KNOW inside that I could not cause such a thing. But that is not the message that is given repeatedly. I put it out there because I exist. Because it existed. Can the world handle it? Or must I cover it up? My message was that Love is said and done as a label for many horrible things. I came to this world already knowing inside. I came to this world ready to do my job. My refuge was God before I even knew Him, I sat safely in His lap. No matter what happened I refused to be silent and told them that they were wrong. I refused to work for them or give them what they wanted. I forget when I am human that I could exist on this planet perfectly well without a single other human soul. I have not need for that. This want simply comes from that adoption of that word love that implies that I am somehow lacking without it. This is a lie. Thank you for reading what I wrote.
Yes, now it is clear… These are the things you have experienced and what you know from them.
Yes, those who came here can handle it. You can be just how you are and express just what you feel.
But I don't believe we are meant to exist on this planet alone - otherwise, why would God diversify into so many?, if Life were not perfect just as it is.
You are perfect just as you are too. And Love is not something that can define a lack.
You remind me of once before with someone else, when I was deceived into believing someone needed “saving”. Nah, never. Maybe now the message is clear to me and I won't make the mistake again with yet another, to coming running with that false impression.
Ah, no wonder - the meltdown. To be unfortunately misunderstood. I apologize and will bow out now.
Thank you for having the courage to write this, Elisa. Perhaps every one of us who heard your words expanded a bit from them, and remember a little bit more of who we are. Your sharing has helped me, for sure. Blessings to all.
I said this a long time ago to a radio station… they announced it on air…
..everyone and everything is bound by ties of love… Lord Swaminarayan said that.
that means:
electrons with neutrons,
DNA with RNA
cells with the body
body with the relations
relations with the environment
environment with the world/earth
earth with the sun
sun with the galaxy
galaxy with the cosmos
ummm i think it still goes on… i don't know of the right words… :-)
——— with God.
Go for the ultimate baby… ! loose the imitation
God! He's the one you deserve
:-)
Woooooow
Smoking !!!
Scroll to 'Seamus Haji 2'
I want to echo what Deborah said about Love being Action, as opposed to a thing someone can give. As my Teacher says: if you can't carry it in a wheel barrow, it's not a thing. And love those marriages from Crudebliss too…nice.
You aren't responsible for everything that happens to you. You are responsible for how you live with these things/actions/events. If horrible things have happened to you when you were young and vulernable, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. The more awareness you have of the present moment, independent of past events, the more likely you are to be able to make the right action choice yourself…like you were noting over on my blog earlier.
Loving action is not always the smushy hearts and flowers stuff, and I have a feeling you understand this. Sometimes love is a pointy thing poking at you saying: hey! don't go there!
I'm loving you this moment Elisa, as I understand that vast longing….
I like the notion of unconditional love. When I expand my energy on that premise…I don't have to write a whole stack of letters. btw…I was browsing your photos…you have a keen eye.
ty much
this is becoming an exercise is being understood again too, interesting
here i found it!!
Isn't it amazing how these things go round and round? Not only do you no longer need to be understood but it isn't possible. Knowing that is freedom.
Deborah
It is possible :)
Won't argue ;-p but no, it really isn't. Only in a subjective way. Never exactly. Never the same way. No way can I know you like you know you and how can you be sure you really know yourself?
Ha - your turn.
Deb
the labyrinth center
with love in my open hands
only one way out