I am so glad to be alive today!!

i have allowed something to snuff my creativity ...i think

or perhaps my thinker is simply quiet?
or broken
or overloaded
maybe it's just a giant space in between
i am making the attempt to sit with it without stirring up trouble
remember those tribbles i think from star trek
i don't really but that flitted to me when i typed what the mind popped...

Happy Solstice to all that choose to celebrate it.  Here is a place where you can get more information about Alban Arthan. 

This is the solar question of the day.  Since it is a thinking, teaching, learning question I shall once again ramble and change tracks many times!  Hey, at least I remembered to warn ya today.  First thought, who says I need to be confident, who created or gave me this idea?  Next comes the idea that I might root out this sort of thinking and swim in the subconcious responses it involves.  For me, the words stating You will never be good enough.  You are so gifted, how can you act to stupid come to mind.  I would sit quietly in response to these literal words spewing forth from a 'loving'  abuser..I mean parent...and think on my insides does being gifted mean one requires no competent teacher...how dare you blame me for your ignorance and lack of ability to teach me anything..how dare you spread and share you fear of me back onto me in blame and pain.  OOOOOOO... I never shared that with anyone before.  I was in the third or the fourth grade then. 

Ok, this is linked back to the question.  I have always wondered and questioned why must I prove me to others.  It is demanded of me and required of me over and over.  That word being confident to me creates a rise in resentment for the word, for the way humans demand proof thru it.  I can say for me that unless I state that I am feeling uncomfy or unsure(which I might do often)  I am confident.  I ask for help when I feel I have exhausted all of my own resources and have not felt that I am utilizing what God is giving me in my perceived manner of receiving it.  Sometimes I do feel like I've tripped in order for me to be motivated to seek input. 

My personal task in knowing me.  Confidence...  Has been to see Knowing and be ok with it.  Even when I might need to sit still and wait for the completion of a thing to get to the end, the outcome, or the 'direction'.  Some people call this In God's time not mine.  Learning to ask the right questions in order to gain a usable solution.  Or, learning to keep self busy with the input that is created to distract my little fingers of anxiety or motivation so that God can work it out so that I learn and grow and am checked up if I need to be. 

Who created the idea of suffering?  Who made it up?  Only when we accept this idea can any lying schmuck convince us that we are needing to be saved, needing to be different than we are.  This created thing cause us to be ungrounded and to want.  Want an idea that cannot be had because suffering was created and made up--it has no opposite, so many many search to find it to create it and to fill it in, attempting to escape 'suffering'.  I think I cannot understand why no one else notices this.  Maybe they do and the voices are too strong so they stay silent.