sparkle
sniffle
salty taste
curving

fingers

at my
waste
away
to nothing

soar
ashes
floating up like leaves
fall
is coming
flame no more

--by elisa

Dear God,

I have always wanted to know what it would be like to feel love.  I have always thought that I did not get it, not once in my entire life.  No one said they loved me.  No one gave me hugs nor kisses.  People touched me in numerous unnameable hurtful ways.  And still I knew there was something else.  Just as I knew the image of God these people 'gave' to me was untrue.  I kept aging.

I watched teen mothers neglect and harm their tiny babes.  I took those children home and hid them in my room and fed them and loved them, that they might KNOW for just a moment to carry that spark always.

I did not know because of what happened to me, that what men were doing was not ok even if it came in a kinder looking package, so it felt more like love, but it was not.  And I knew that then.  I tried to make it true for a while because all around me seemed to think it was.

I met people that smiled and nodded at me and hugged me, empty hugs.  They said they loved me too.  I knew they did not.  All of this time I asked God that I might know what it felt like to be loved.  I turned away from those shell people.  I felt no reality, no exchange with them.

My children came, as children can do.  One child never let me touch her much at all.  It was awful for her for me to do so.  It is hard for me to express love without touch.  I didn't feel love then, but I did it anyway.  My son came, he touched too much.  He's better with that now.  He says and expresses affection all of the time.  It's very nice.

I meet people online and on Gaia.  Some of them use love words but I feel nothing from them, others I do.  The experience is very nice.  And still I ask God, Please God can I please know what it is like to have someone love me.

I realized tonight that I have been given what I ask for.  Each person is and gives what they can at the time.  Abuse for some is love.  They will tell you so.  I could go through all of my examples and I would have to say that each more than likely would be insulted and insist to me that they love me.  I need to ask God  a better question.  I want someone to care about what I need, what I dream about, and how I feel.  I need them to love me not for them, but for me.  In a way that I can feel it see it touch it.  I deserve that.  And if for some reason this is not possible, don't send me anymore love unless it comes from You.  Being loved in this place has been really unfun.  Peace and sanctuary alone would be a better choice, if I only had the two.  So, thank you God for doing as I asked.  I am sorry I was rude and slow to learn.  Please help me to better meet my own needs. 

Love elisa

Blue eyes
Reflect
The world
I love
Complete
In a gaze
Across the waves
Some whispers
Some crashing thunder
Always with a lot to say
Things to share
Always with a dance to dance
The dream
That is there
Blue eyes
Reflect

--elisa

How to stand back up!!!!!  I bend like the Willow and then dance into the sun and back on the wind for evermore!!! 

Here is how to play:

I will start with the letter A.  Type in comments things that begin with that letter that you are grateful for. 

Then I will move on to the next letter.  I hope I can use the edit to do this :D

A

Ok SOMEONE wants to move on to letter B lol

B

C, hi perkydots c is for cutiepie

ok Mamakat   D

ON to EEEEEEEEEE!!!

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

GGGGGGggggggggggggggg

HHHHHHHHHHHH

IIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

laughing liltedly through L

MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

NNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

OOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

psssssssssttttttt come on type....ya know yaaaaa wannaaaaa
it'll feel gooooood i promise

blank slate
each new page brings
bleached clear
the rings of time
eroded into dust
that holds the echoes of time
clamoring for ink
to script
for scores
music's dance
and then
we turn the page
blank slate

--elisa

I think I have mentioned this before, and I will most likely mention it again.  If all who rail against the horrid things and all who must always create change(because what is, is bad) suddenly all at once got everything corrected and moved out of their imagined control, what would they do with the spaces in between?

How would they survive having this purpose removed for them?  Those that rail to make everything someone else's fault would learn very quickly their disatisfaction comes from within their spirit untouched by the external.  They would have to look at the horrid thing they run from and realize it is them. 

Those who wish to change all, of course thinking theirs or someone else's idea is the new ideal would quickly learn that people do not create or survive from ideals, they use them to hide from the simple and simple is perfect.  Simple can seem boring and flat, though simple truly simple has and holds no judgement it simply is. 

So many people trying to feel smarter, wiser, higher, who taught us that we are just not ok?  What did we do to ourself in this life to need to run away from us and create things to cover our inner pits?

Blessed is the single blade of grass that bends on the wind.  Blessed is the drop of liquid on my tongue.  This blessing makes me nothing but myself.  :)

What do you do with the spaces in between?

Hmmm.....I have been watching.  I like it.  And then, I think.  And then, I desire others to think too.  However, sometimes in what I say and speak about I do have intent.  The Sandbox blog was one of these.  It seems that my intent has been misunderstood and is now being used for exactly that which I was speaking against.  This morning I recalled something that is fun and may help to clarify.  Though I am aware that what people choose to do with the things they read and see move them and jiggle them in their own manners and I cannot really control that, though sometimes I might wish to do so :D
So, here goes....Part one is followed by part two





Happy Thinking Sandbox lovers everywhere!!!

i do
i think
i will
i am

cracked ice
sheer cliffs
mashed webbs
free fall

swirling echoes
water
still
wearing me
tearing me
into what i am
not

popular demand
but nature
they exclaim

loud voices
tabloids
herds
quotes

singulairity left
listen
wait
silent
no

perisist some more
wait
strength
bent

then standing straight

hear that a follower may
independent leaf
fractal
new
knew

--by elisa

fire keeper
rear guard mine
protect my circle
keep the dance may I be blind by joy
and free to be
longing right there next to me
fullfilled by task
teturn to me
complete the circle
let me be me
stand there watching off in space
honor me do not see my face
the dance of life
will rise and fill
the space that's left between
the light of day
the light of night
move to dance
heartbeats sing
take to flight
fire keeper
rear guard mine
watch them moving
devour
destroy
rise up
create
protect my circle
i am blind
by joy
me

--by elisa